Seattle's fall comedy lineup is packed with big talent

A Wall Street trader, a financier and a bank president walk into a bar ...

That's no joke. You need a stiff drink when the Dow falls 700 points in a day. Yes, there are a lot of serious -- and often depressing -- happenings in the news these days, from the American financial meltdown to the years-long war in Iraq to the frenzied final days before the big election.

Luckily, humor is a salve for tough times -- and we have got several big-name comedians headed to Seattle over the next six weeks to provide the laughs, including Bill Cosby, Kathy Griffin, Robin Williams, Paula Poundstone and Cheech & Chong. We also have the 29th annual Seattle International Standup Comedy Competition beginning next week.

To get your mind off the markets and offer a taste of these performers' styles, here are some memorable lines from the comedians.

PAULA POUNDSTONE

WHO: A self-deprecating comic who got her start in 1979 and ran into some legal trouble in 2001 with a conviction for child endangerment (related to an alcohol problem).

WHEN/WHERE: 8 p.m. Nov. 15, Moore Theatre; $30-$65 at Ticketmaster

ON FINDING SOBRIETY:

"I was actually court-ordered to Alcoholics Anonymous on television. Pretty much blows the hell out of the second 'A,' don't you think?"

ON ETERNAL DAMNATION:

"The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling."

ON THE SINK-OR-SWIM METHOD:

"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "

ON HER PETS' SHORTCOMINGS:

"The problem with cats is that they get the same exact look whether they see a moth or an ax murderer."

KATHY GRIFFIN

WHO: An Emmy Award-winning comedian and star of Bravo's "Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List," as well a red carpet commentator.

WHEN/WHERE: 7 p.m. Nov. 20-22, 10 p.m. Nov. 22, Paramount Theatre; $42.50-$72.50 at Ticketmaster

ON WINNING AN EMMY:

"Now, a lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Milan would be up here with that damn dog."

ON LINDSAY LOHAN:

"I may have made a very harmless joke about Lindsay -- that she's lost a lot of weight recently due to diet, Pilates and crack … without the diet and Pilates."

ON COURTNEY AND WHITNEY:

"Because, you know, Courtney Love was at Whitney Houston's intervention? And when Courtney Love is telling you you're hitting the pipe too hard, it's bad!"

ON "TO CATCH A PREDATOR":

"I love it. And if there's a marathon, if I'm watching one, I'm watching all seven in a row. I know their names -- I'm like, 'That's Herb.' I know all the predators."

BILL COSBY

WHO: Beloved standup who got a gig on the 1960s show "I Spy," then went on to star in several other TV series, including the top-rated "The Cosby Show."

WHEN/WHERE: 4 p.m. and 8 p.m. Saturday, Benaroya Hall; sold out

ON INTELLIGENCE:

"A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice."

ON LIVING LONGER:

"Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first."

ON EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES:

"Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework."

ON RELATIONSHIPS:

"Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think -- in a deeper voice."

ROBIN WILLIAMS

WHO: Actor and comedian who gained fame on "Mork & Mindy" before becoming a movie star and Oscar winner for "Good Will Hunting."

WHAT/WHEN: 8 p.m. Dec. 5, Paramount Theatre; sold out

ON POLITICS:

" 'Poli,' a Latin word meaning 'many,' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures.' "

ON TRAFFIC:

"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"

ON DRUGS:

"Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money."

ON OUR OUTGOING PRESIDENT:

"Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial. It just doesn't work!"

CHEECH & CHONG

WHO: The quintessential stoners of such cinematic pot classics as "Up in Smoke," are back with their "Light Up America Tour."

WHEN/WHERE: 7:30 and 10 p.m. Nov. 29, Paramount Theatre; $42.50-$56.50 at Ticketmaster

ON HERITAGE:

"Mexican-Americans love education, so they go to night school and they take Spanish and get a B." -- Cheech, in song

ON FARMING:

"We should have a dope-a-thon. You know, try to raise money for, like, all the people that lost their crops." -- Cheech in "Up in Smoke"

ON MEMORY LAPSES:

Chong: "Who is it?"

Cheech: "It's Dave, man. Will you open up? I got the stuff with me."

Chong: "Who?"

Cheech: "Dave, man. Open up."

Chong: "Dave?"

Cheech: "Yeah, Dave."

Chong: "Dave's not here."

COMPETITION

The stakes are higher than ever in the 29th annual Seattle International Standup Comedy Competition. Not only will this year's winner get $5,000 in cash, but also a recording contract with Uproar Entertainment, the national comedy label that represents comedians Dana Gould, Brian Regan and John Pinette, as well as the entire National Lampoon catalog.

The competition begins Nov. 5 at various Northwest clubs and comes to a close Nov. 30 at the Comedy Underground. More than 30 comedians will compete for $15,000 in cash prizes.

This year's field includes Edmonton, Alberta, comic Tyler Hawkins (winner of the Just for Laughs 2008 Homegrown Comic Competition), New York comic Todd Lynn (who has written for "Comedy Central Presents"), 2007 Boston Comedy Festival winner Tommy Savitt, Denver Comedy Competition runner-up Todd Johnson, and Portland comic Rylee Newton (who has appeared on TV's "Premium Blend" and "Jimmy Kimmel Live").

Information: seattlecomedycompetition.com