Older parents have much to offer children

DEAR DR. BROTHERS: My husband and I took a daring leap when we entered marriage for the second time with one another, and we're both fairly well along in years. Neither of us had children in our earlier unions, and now we really want to begin a family, even though I'm in my late 30s and he's in his mid-40s. Last week, we celebrated the news that, according to the doctor, I'm pregnant, and everything seems fine. Yesterday, a friend -- much younger than I -- made a remark about my husband and me having to get used to seeing and dealing with a lot of young parents and how our kids might feel. Suddenly, I wondered if I'd been selfish and if youngsters of older parents suffer and get a raw deal. -- J.A.

DEAR J.A.: While everything depends upon the individuals involved, you've no reason to feel guilty. Older parents offer children many advantages. The most disadvantaged children are likely to be born to very young parents, who usually lack the emotional maturity, the wisdom or the security necessary for the many sacrifices that infants need in order to survive and thrive.

Older parents are most settled within themselves, as well as being emotionally and financially secure and being able to invest more energy and time into the upbringing. Age has always been relative, but this is especially true today, when people often look and feel half their age, thanks to better health. If you look much older than other parents, that's not going to trouble your children -- they'll be much more concerned about the quality of love and care they receive.

DEAR DR. BROTHERS: I've just shocked my parents, as well as other relatives, and even some friends -- because I'm a single guy in my 40s with no intention of marrying, and I've bought a home in the country. I have two female friends, both of whom I love and probably always will, but I don't want to marry either of them, and I suspect that by this time, they feel the same about me. What is so wrong and peculiar about my buying a house as a single man with no kids? I'm sick of long commutes, I'm now nearer to my job, and my friends will visit me on weekends. Why all the pressure and hassle about it? I'm fed up. -- W.A.

DEAR W.A.: People often don't take kindly to the unconventional, but it seems to me what's important is that you haven't fallen into patterns that wouldn't suit you or that you might regret later, and would resent these people for their interference. Eventually, they'll accept your move, and many will even welcome invitations to visit your home.

It's interesting to me that your family and friends are so shocked, because what you're doing has been part of a national trend for some time. More people are living alone by choice and are buying real estate, and more are staying single -- some as a result of divorce, while others are simply delaying marriage. Much of this trend is due to economics. The economic bonds that once held many families together and made marriage a necessity are not as strong today. You may change your mind about marriage, but you'll be the one to make decisions about your future.