Tell Me About It: Got beef with boyfriend? Tell him, not girlfriends

Dear Carolyn: How do you know what to keep within a relationship and what to tell your friends? I have a habit of going to other people first and then going to my boyfriend when I am frustrated with him. I know this is not constructive, I know that I unjustly fear his rejecting me, but how do I overcome that nagging thought that he will? Therapy, been there, doing that. -- J.R.

Dear J.R.: Go to your boyfriend first.

That'll be 35 cents, please.

You've tried the warm-fuzzy solution (talking to friends) and the expensive solution (going to therapy) and the long-shot solution (writing to me), and unless you want to stop passers-by on the street to complain about your boyfriend, you're running out of ways to "solve" your problem without actually facing it.

When you are frustrated with your boyfriend, you talk to your boyfriend. When you are afraid he's going to reject you, you talk to him anyway.

Doing this will: kick your blab habit, conquer your fear of rejection (worst case: you get rejected for being yourself, far better than being loved for faking it), and render your what-to-tell question moot.

This isn't to be mistaken for biting your tongue around the girls. It is understood that you both have the right to speak freely, as long as truly private (read: potentially embarrassing) matters remain so.

I'm talking about a habit, verging on second nature, of opening yourselves to each other to the extent that unresolved stuff becomes scarce. Have problem; raise problem with partner; discuss problem; fix problem if fixable. or change expectations if not. or break up if you fail at the first two; drop issue.

Dear Carolyn: I have two friends who often share with me the concerns they have with their girlfriends. However, they do not let their girlfriends know there is even a problem until they have already decided to call it quits. I thought this pattern could have been the "men go into a cave to sort things out" thing, but then I realized they are sharing their concern -- just with the wrong person. My question is, why are some people only comfortable communicating with friends about their partners? -- Need Help Understanding in Greensboro

Dear Need Help: Fear (see above), immaturity (see above), sloth (sorry, Above), and, as I suspect in the case of your friends, a fundamentally weak investment in the relationship. If you're already disinclined to take emotional risks, you're hardly going to take them for someone you're not that excited about. It becomes its own little cycle: Be vaguely afraid of real intimacy, choose disposable mates, dispose of mates when need for real intimacy arises with the excuse that the mate isn't "the one," repeat. Chances are, when they grow up, or get lonely, or a disposable person dumps them, hard, the cycle will break itself.

Carolyn Hax's column runs in the P-I Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Send e-mail to tellme@washpost.com; or write: Tell Me About It, c/o The Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St., NW, Washington, DC 20071. Chat online with Carolyn each Friday at 9 a.m. Pacific time at www.washingtonpost.com.