And baby makes three, or dozens, of problems

Editor's note: Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: Why does bringing home a baby "undo" a couple? Any signs to look for or things to keep in mind so you and partner don't get "undone"?

-- Babyville

Dear Baby: When two adults are together, they can maneuver independently well enough to bypass many difficulties. Let's say one is a slob and the other neat; if it's just the two of them, he can chuck her stuff into her unruly closet and not have to see it. If he's lazy, she can cook when she wants and otherwise get takeout. If she has a rude or demanding streak, he's an adult, he can shrug her off. If he's a workaholic, she can entertain herself and see him when he's seeable. If she's childish, he can enjoy the fun/excitement of it, and be the adult for them both. And so on.

Now, add baby.

Suddenly the tidy or conscientious spouse is caring for a baby on top of all the household chores, which means there's no time for rest, which becomes stressful, demoralizing, infuriating. Slobby/lazy rests just fine.

Or, the rude or demanding spouse turns out not to make distinctions between adults and children, and has unrealistic expectations of how the baby should behave.

Or, the spouse continues to be a workaholic and doesn't help with or show much love for the child, much less give the child-watching spouse any breaks (or respect).

And so on.

The preventive measure for all this: Choose wisely. Little stuff has a way of getting big.

Dear Carolyn: Is it wrong for me and my husband to get a kitten (our third) in lieu of having a baby? I know we aren't ready for a baby, and a lot of thought went into the plan to hold off for five years, but I still feel kind of squee about everyone around me having babies. We were considering another cat anyway, so is it weird and dumb to use a kitten to make myself feel a little more content with our (truly) mutual decision to wait?

-- Bad Idea?

Dear Bad? I won't "yes" or "no" something that's clearly your business to decide. I will say that if you have a baby in five years, you can also expect to have this cat for a substantial part of the little-kid years, possibly three cats, including two aging ones. This is fine for plenty of people, but not everyone (or every pet) handles the pet/baby mix well. So, don't make long-range decisions on children while thinking only short-term on pets.

Also, what's with the comparisons to friends, and needing to feel OK with your decision? True peace comes without props or crutches or proxies. If you don't have that, please revisit your choice.