Farewell toast to Miller time

A LETTER TO Ted Miller on his last day at the Seattle P-I:

Dear Ted, Good luck with your new job as the Pac-10 football and basketball writer for ESPN.com. I can't think of one person who is more deserving than you. ... I can think of many, starting with me.

What a way to go out -- earlier this week, The Associated Press Sports Editors named you one of the top 10 sports columnists in the country last year. In April, they'll let you know if you're in the top five, and if they choose you as the best of the bunch, I will call you and congratulate you and fake like I'm really happy for you. Then when we're done talking, I'll gag.

Don't you find it odd, Ted, that I was overlooked for the 25th consecutive year? And don't you think it's time for some newer, hipper AP sports editors to judge the contest, ones who can appreciate columns about drinking and dogs and beverage-cart girls? Me, too.

I noticed that you didn't enter the column you wrote about Christal Morrison of the U-Dub volleyball team. Remember that one? Woo-eee, did you take heat for that. Like some of your readers, I was highly offended.

Objectifying a woman by talking about her physically attractive features, man, that's something I would never do unless I was writing about Amber the Sea Gal, Lauren Jackson, Maria Sharapova, Natalie Gulbis, Tiger Woods' wife or the Channel 5 chick, Lisa Gangel.

When tributes are given to someone who's leaving, they usually include many fabulous things about him, followed by stuff that will be missed when he's not around anymore. But if that were the case with you, this would be a short column.

Oh, I guess I'll miss our phone conversations when you griped about everything under the sun, and just when I thought you were done, you'd gripe about everything under the moon, too.

If I recall, I'd say uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, you're right, uh-huh, uh-huh and Ted, I gotta go.

The only other thing I'll miss are the columns you wrote with the big words in them. I thought Art Thiel was the master of using words I've never heard of, but you gave "The Franchise" a great run in that department.

As you know, most Cougars know the meaning of two-syllable words such as "cocktail," and we're OK with three on occasion, but four and five? No.

In one of your recent columns about Jim Mora, I was completely stumped when I came across the word "internecine," which you used in reference to UW fans having differing opinions about Tyrone Willingham.

I Googled it and Answers.com said internecine is an adjective that describes a conflict within an organization or group. So good on ya for that; it was the perfect word to convey what you wanted to convey, and now I'm going to try to figure out how that sucker's pronounced.

And wait, I lied, there's something else I'll miss -- your weekly Pac-10 football picks. I supplemented my income by taking the teams you didn't and really loaded up on the ones that you trashed. Aren't Pac-10 "insiders" supposed to know what they're writing about? Is ESPN aware of this?

Drives me nuts. You're just the latest to leave the P-I and move on to the national spotlight, leaving vastly more talented people like me in the browner pastures. Bill Plaschke to the L.A. Times, Adam Schefter to the NFL Network, and even Gordon Wittenmyer to the Chicago Sun-Times covering the Cubs. I remember sending Wittenmyer on food runs to Tai Tung when he was a copy boy.

You've left me in quite a pickle. I've somehow been "elevated" to your status as No. 2 sports columnist, but still far behind "The Franchise," of course.

The editors have dropped my "Go 2 Guy" nickname, asked me to ease up on the Coug-and-Dawg shtick, and want me to broaden my range as a columnist. Ted, how does a one-trick pony win the Kentucky Derby, and where does a T-shirts-and-jeans guy get a good suit? And can you teach me what some of those cool words mean before you go?

Relax. In this paragraph, I will get back to talking about you. Sports editor Nick Rousso said you were a great guy and great journalist, proving that he must have done the same things I did in the '70s.

But Rousso has some brain cells left, saying you are "supremely confident in your abilities." Translation: cocky as hell.

You once told Rousso that your columns didn't need to be edited; they just needed to be proof-read. You're right, pal, they didn't need to be edited, they needed to be re-written or scrapped altogether.

I jest. You and your sport coat will move to Arizona, but our friendship remains. I am eternally committed to busting your chops, which is the highest compliment I can give you because in my weird world, the people I rip the most I like the most. It has been my pleasure to work with you.

So go ahead and slither on down to the desert, Dennis, I mean, Ted -- enjoy the higher profile and the larger paychecks and the better weather and the lower cost of living while I salute you for always being there when I needed you least.