'Alien vs. Predator': More like a video game than a film, but with way less excitement

The PG-13 rating of "Alien vs. Predator" alone tells the story of this grudge match between space beasties. Before the lights go down, you know this will be a defanged resurrection of two venerable action franchises, crassly fashioned to bait the broadest opening-weekend audience possible before word spreads about how dumb the movie is.

MOVIE REVIEW

ALIEN VS. PREDATOR

DIRECTOR: Paul W.S. Anderson

CAST: Sanaa Lathan, Lance Henriksen, Raoul Bova, Ewen Bremner

RUNNING TIME: 101 minutes

RATING: PG-13 for violence, language, horror images, slime and gore

WHERE: Alderwood 7, Cinema 17, Crossroads 8, East Valley 13, Everett 9, Factoria, Galaxy Tacoma 6, Galleria 11, Gateway 8, Issaquah 9, Kirkland Parkplace 6, Longston Place 14, Marysville Cinema 14, Monroe 12, Mountlake 9, Oak Tree, Pacific Place, Parkway Plaza 12, Redmond Town Center, Varsity, Valley Drive-In, Woodinville 12

GRADE: D

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Its six predecessors -- two great "Alien" movies and two inferior sequels, one decent "Predator" flick and one so-so sequel -- had hard R ratings for graphic gore, violence and terror.

Bringing this hybrid in at PG-13, the studio and filmmakers are sending a cynical message to viewers: We want your money, but don't expect to see anything new. In fact, we're going to show you less than any of the half-dozen previous movies did.

The skimpy story is about as clever as anything two teenage gamers might dream up over down time during a minor power outage. The human characters are little more than munchies for one space species and shooting-gallery targets for the other. The action is tepid, more a kitten fight than a to-the-death alien smackdown.

And there's simply no suspense. The weakest of the "Alien" and "Predator" movies packed chills in triplicate compared to "Alien vs. Predator."

The movie is written and directed by Paul W.S. Anderson, maker of such sci-fi twaddle as "Resident Evil" and "Mortal Kombat." Like those video-game adaptations, "Alien vs. Predator" plays out like a linear joystick pastime: Kill this creature, move up one level, vanquish that foe, advance to the next round.

A prequel to the "Alien" films and a sequel to the "Predator" movies, "Alien vs. Predator" is set in Antarctica, where scientists are scoping out an ancient pyramid discovered below the ice. The gang stumbles onto two extraterrestrial races duking it out under the tundra. In this corner is the hissing, acid-slobbering alien race introduced in Ridley Scott's 1979 classic "Alien," which made a star of Sigourney Weaver. In that corner are the clicking, clacking creatures that debuted in 1987's "Predator," starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as a commando whose unit is being stalked by a space hunter seeking human trophies.

Lance Henriksen, who played an android in "Aliens" and "Alien 3," stars as billionaire Charles Bishop Weyland, who finances the expedition. Sanaa Lathan plays expedition leader Alexa Woods, essentially a poor director's substitute for Weaver's intrepid Ripley. Raoul Bova and Ewen Bremner fill up the principal cast as scientists along for the ride.

Animatronic and puppet creature effects are solid enough, while computer animation to create some creature effects looks cheesy, particularly in a flashback to an ancient Predator-Alien battle.

The movie's tag line, "Whoever wins, we lose," could not be more appropriate. Any member of the human race who buys a ticket to "Alien vs. Predator" ends up losing.