'House of Wax' is about as scary as watching a candle slowly drip

Friday, May 6, 2005

By SEAN AXMAKER
SPECIAL TO THE POST-INTELLIGENCER

The most ingenious twist in this in-name-only remake -- actually, the only ingenious twist -- is that the wax museum of the title is sculpted completely out of wax, inside and out. It adds gooey fun to the climactic battle with the wax-dipping psychopath in the midst of an obligatory inferno: the place literally melts down around them and threatens to suck our hardy heroes through the gummy floor.

MOVIE REVIEW

HOUSE OF WAX

DIRECTOR: Jaume Collet-Serra

CAST: Elisha Cuthbert, Chad Michael Murray, Brian Van Holt, Paris Hilton

RUNNING TIME: 112 minutes

RATING: R for horror violence, some sexual content and language

GRADE: D

LINKS/TRAILERS
· Official site

PHOTO GALLERY

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Ostensibly a remake of the kitschy 1954 Vincent Price classic (itself a remake of the 1932 "Mystery of the Wax Museum"), it borrows little more than the title, the wax, the fiery climax, and a killer with a penchant for preserving his victims. The real mystery of this film is how first-time director Jaume Collet-Serra (a veteran of music videos and commercials) makes it all as exciting as watching wax dry.

This time, the future museum pieces are a handful of photogenic but doomed college kids who take a poorly advised shortcut into a deserted backwoods Louisiana town. To set the proper mood, nubile starlet Elisha Cuthbert dives into a swamp of rotting animal carcasses and shucks her blouse for a skimpy tank top, which leaves her properly attired to go snooping through the unlocked doors of the deserted nearby town.

Collet-Serra resorts to an unending supply of phony shock cuts and point-of-view peek-a-boo shots to con the audience into scares. The gag wears thin by the eighth or ninth such attempt, and then it's all bloodsport spectacle and sadism: our guy likes to dip his victims alive, and the audience gets to watch the torment.

For comic relief, victim du jour Paris Hilton gets harpooned with a rusty pipe. At least the preview audience thought it was funny.

At more than 110 minutes, "House of Wax" is overlong, unscary, poorly paced and banally written. Collet-Serra has no facility for suspense or mood, and he stretches out the brain-dead dialogue and plodding plot until it's numbing. The film's victims get off easier than the audience subjected to this candle burning itself out.

Sean Axmaker is a movie reviewer and freelance film writer based in Seattle. He can be reached via e-mail at seanax@hotmail.com.