Indict the mower, not the gunman

AUSTIN, Texas – Time magazine's next man of the year?

I'm nominating Keith Walendowski of Milwaukee, who is charged with shooting his lawn mower with a sawed-off shotgun because it wouldn't start.

The criminal complaint says a witness told police Walendowski had been drinking all morning. So what? A Lawn-Boy that won't start will do that to you.

Sadly, Walendowski faces up to six years in prison if convicted of having a sawed-off shotgun. He also faces a lesser charge of disorderly conduct. What's disorderly about shooting a lawn mower that you've been pulling the cord on 20 or 30 times?

"I'll tell you the truth," Walendowski told police, according to the criminal complaint. "I got (ticked) because my lawn mower wouldn't start, so I got my shotgun and shot it. I can do that, it's my lawn mower and my yard, so I can shoot it if I want."

I agree. The lawn mower had it coming. I think the law should let Walendowski go and put up a statue in his honor. If there are two pieces of equipment that need shooting, they're lawn mowers that won't start and computers that crash repeatedly.

Donna Kadow, a next-door neighbor of Walendowski's, says the lawn mower was shot about 9 a.m. Wednesday after Walendowski had spent "a couple of days" trying to get the thing going.

"He's a good guy; he just likes to drink," Kadow said. She added that the shooting occurred in Walendowski's back yard. "I heard a big bang," she said.

I asked her how the lawn mower is doing. "It's not," she said. "It's just gone." Good.

"He's my hero; it's his damn lawn mower," said Jay Thompson , who used to own Central Feed and Seed on South Congress Avenue. Jay used to sit on the front porch of his store before the neighborhood became trendy SoCo and shoot rats. He also shot his '64 Valiant in the driver's door with a .45 automatic when it wouldn't start. A redneck friend of Thompson's had driven all the way from the Continental Club on South Congress out to his house in Northwest Austin to jump-start the car.

"He took back off, and dadgum it, the minute he got out of sight, that (son of a gun) quit," Thompson said. So Thompson got out his gun and plugged the car, Richard Pryor-style. Thompson said it left a nice hole. "Had a real conversation piece for the next couple of years."

You couldn't find a good yardman in Austin who would send a man to jail for shooting a bad lawn mower. "It's a mercy killing," said Jordon Weekes , of JW Landscaping in South Austin. "We had a guy beat a Weed Eater to death in a parking lot one day. It wouldn't start, either. Parking lot of a church, besides."

So let Walendowski go. Just don't let him do yard work.