Trying to grasp the issue of men and hugs

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Wednesday, August 6, 2003

Trying to grasp the issue of men and hugs

By SUSAN PAYNTER
SEATTLE POST-INTELLIGENCER COLUMNIST

It was literally a touching image. Two burly men, one a cop the other a police volunteer, hugging as if to brace one another against a sneaker wave of sudden grief.

The picture on Page One of Monday's Post-Intelligencer captured Federal Way police Officer Doug Dodeyo and police volunteer John Hagstrom amid the flowers and farewell messages of a makeshift memorial for Officer Patrick Maher. Left arms encircled, their heads rested briefly on each other's broad shoulders.


		Scott Eklund / P-I
	Federal Way police Officer Doug Dodeyo and police volunteer John Hagstrom share a hug.

Maher was slain senselessly, with his own gun, on Saturday while trying to calm a battle between two brothers. The next day, at the scene, Maher's friends and brother officers sought solace in the kind of contact that requires no words.

It was the sort of manly embrace that is unquestionably OK for grown men to share. But when? How often? And how long can contact last before one hugger steps back, clears his throat and quickly mentions baseball?

The rules of engagement for male hugs are unwritten and rarely discussed. Except, of course, when there's trouble. Like the last-ditch accusation that was made against the Rev. V. Gene Robinson this week in Minneapolis just as he was inches away from being confirmed as the church's first openly gay bishop.

He "does not maintain appropriate boundaries with men," a Vermont man claimed in an e-mail, adding that Robinson "put his hands on me inappropriately every time I engaged him in conversation." A church investigation found yesterday that the touching amounted to a hand on the man's forearm and back.

A supportive hug, strictly above board and above the waist, between men like the two at the cop memorial, is one thing. Their male bona fides are undisputed and the shocking death of a fellow officer entitles them to embrace.

It's the kind of embrace bleary soldiers share when left standing after a battle.

But are the rules different when one of the huggers is gay? They shouldn't be.

"Death and sports championships" were the two answers I got most often when I asked around about when men have permission to hug. "Weddings and funerals, and maybe if you win the Lotto," said a young waste management worker as he hoisted a can in my alley. "How do you mean, hug?" a wary park groundskeeper asked before walking quickly away.

Oh sure, we may openly "discuss" penis enlargement on the Internet. But we still get hinky when it comes to men and hugs.

Women I know seem to hug whenever they meet for lunch. They hug whenever one of them is feeling down or has been away on vacation.

And most boys innocently hug their dads without question until they strike some inner trip wire at age 12 or 14 and begin perfecting that awkward sideways hug-shrug thing men do.

NBA and WNBA players bump chests. And football players pat butts.

But anything close to the European male embrace, much less a kiss on each cheek, and, ooh, la la! American males break into a re-enactment of the scene from "Plains, Trains and Automobiles," when John Candy and Steve Martin discover they unwittingly embraced in sleep while forced to share a motel bed.

"When I got to the memorial at the scene I saw Officer Dodeyo and I just walked up and put my arm around him," Hagstrom said of his Page One hug.

A laid-off Boeing mechanic, Hagstrom began filling his time as a Federal Way police volunteer about 13 months ago. Now the place "feels like family" and families hug.

He's "the hugger" in his family, Hagstrom said. His brother, a Mercer Island police officer, is more aloof.

He guesses it depends on the individual and the occasion but there seemed no question to Hagstrom that this was the time when a hug could offer better support than words.

"Once somebody's gone, you can't hug them," he said.

Susan Paynter's column appears Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Call her at 206-448-8392 or send e-mail to susanpaynter@seattlepi.com.

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